Or to be more precise, she taught me about sex and concerts. For you see, Gertie believed that the two were inseparable, and that you couldn’t have one without the other. Seeing Hank III or Little Feat awakened amorous impulses that I never knew to exist in a woman, while the thought of intimacy brought forth urges to see Galactic and the Joe Jackson Band. Life with Gertie was an endless stream of warm-ups, main events and encores. And the concerts were pretty good, too.

Anyplace, anytime, any artist, including Phish and The Other Ones, as long as there was a stage and a band to go with it, our love knew no boundaries. We were the perfect couple, like a high-wire act we balanced our emotions on that fine line between live music and human needs, and we did it all without a net.

Oh, the life we led! A life of concerts and sexual escapades that would shock even the most daring of couples. We made love before seeing Darden Smith, after seeing Bon Jovi and Metallica, even while watching Yanni. Heck, we even skipped on seeing Guns N’ Roses on what turned out to be the last show of their tour, perhaps even the last show ever. While Axl pounded the boards of the Madison Square Garden stage we rode the New York subways, ala Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay. Risky business? You bet.

But all good things must come to an end, and that’s what happened with Gertie and me. She left me for a Ticketmaster clerk in Des Moines who promised her choice seats for Goo Goo Dolls, Alan Jackson and Eddie Money as well as sky boxes and backstage passes. And now I’m left with only memories of the most exciting time of my life, as I sit alone in the nosebleed seats for Springsteen and Scorpions, reflecting upon the past and holding to my heart those recollections of sweet, sweet Gertie.

They say that hindsight is 20 / 20, and as I remember those times with the love of my life, I think of all the things I would have done differently. I think about what went wrong, and how, if I could only turn back the hands of time, I would have done the one thing that would have made my life complete. For I am a lonely, brokenhearted man who now knows that he gave up the opportunity of a lifetime. If only… If only…

Oh, if only we hadn’t skipped on seeing Guns N’ Roses. I hear they really rocked the house that night.