I would like to take this opportunity to address the latest news reports that claim our new security program, entitled Concert Act II, will encroach upon your civil liberties. Let me assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. So, you can disregard those reports about strip searches at all Pearl Jam shows, background checks in order to buy tickets for Norah Jones and R.E.M. and retina scans for people sitting in the first ten rows for Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band at Giants Stadium. In no way, shape or form will you find any of this mentioned in Concert Act II.

But that’s not what the liberal press would have you believe. The New York Times claims we’re planning on fingerprinting all Linkin Park fans, the Boston Globe says we’re secretly photographing all Ozzfest 2003 fans and the Chicago Tribune reported yesterday that we’re going to insist that everyone going to see Jimmy Buffett must undergo urinalysis before they’re even admitted to the parking lot. Like there’s enough barrels in the world.

So, take it from me, America’s Top Cop, when I say that Concert Act II will never, ever, encroach on the civil liberties of all good Americans. Air surveillance at shows, sock inspections at Red Hot Chili Peppers concerts, and level 5 cavity searches in all restrooms at venues where Bon Jovi and Cher are playing are nothing more than the paranoid delusions of the liberal media and will not be found in Concert Act II.

However, there is Concert Act III…