“I wanted to talk to you about concert prices, Tom.”

“Yeah, what about ’em?”

“Well, the missus and I were planning on seeing Fleetwood Mac, but the best seats are going for $125. Don’t you think that’s a little high for a concert?”

“High for a concert, eh? Listen to me, buddy. You should be thankful that The Mac is even touring. I mean, it’s not like Mick and Stevie need the money, you dig? Well, maybe Lindsey. Anyway, you’re damn lucky they’re coming to your town, and if you can’t afford the ticket, step aside and let the next guy through. You got that?”


“Good. Our next caller is Jane from Los Angeles, California. Go ahead, Jane. What’s your problem?”

“I went to see Springsteen at Dodger stadium last week, and I couldn’t believe how much the promoter wanted for parking. I mean, $20 -“

“Hold it right there, Jane. Whassamatta? Parking too high? You should be grateful that Dodger Stadium even let you into their parking lot. Parking’s a privilege. Don’t forget it.”


“Good! I’m glad we got that straightened out. Our next caller is Billy from Tucson, Arizona. Yo, Billy. What’s your problem?”

“Well, Tom, I’m a Phish fan and -“

“Oh, yeah? Call me back after you shower. Our next caller is Harry from Seattle, Washington. Go ahead, Harry. What’s your problem?”

“I live next to a major concert venue, Tom, and I don’t know what to do about the noise. No matter who’s playing, Hanson, Neil Young or The Clarks, I can hear them plain as day. What can I do? I mean, aren’t there noise ordinances for this sort of thing?”

“Huh? Lemme get this straight. You’re hearing all these bands for free and you’re complaining about the noise? And you’re expect the government to solve your problems? Yeah, you gotta problem, alright. It’s called stupidity! You got that? S-T-E-W-P-I-D-I-D-Y!. Sheesh… Our next caller is Don from Battle Creek, Michigan. Go ahead, Don. What’s your problem?”

“Hey, Tom. Listen to your show all the time. I’m a small, independent promoter. For example, I’ve done shows with Blue Dogs and Tish Hinojosa, and next week I’ve got Skid Row coming to my town.”

“So? What’s your problem?”

“My problem is concert fans, Tom. They’re always complaining. They always want cheaper ticket prices for Aerosmith, cheaper concessions for Marilyn Manson and Roger McGuinn, and cheaper parking for Rita Coolidge. It’s always cheap, cheap, cheap. What am I gonna do, Tom? I mean, I’d like to help them, but I’ve got a business to run. It’s not like I’m in this for charity, you know?”

“Yeah, I hear you. Tell me, Don. Have you tried shooting them?”

“I’m in Michigan, Tom. Not Texas.”

“Oh, yeah, right. I guess that is a problem. Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Join me again tomorrow for another edition of The Problem Solver. Until then, remember… Save all your problems for me!”