And as everyone knows, numbers don’t lie. The facts speak for themselves, they’re as plain as the nose on your face and as clear as day.
We’re talking, of course, about the recent survey indicating that the majority of today’s young adults are abstaining from sex while looking at tour dates on Pollstar.com.
According to the Ronald Jeremy Institute for Sexual Behavior, over 75 percent of all young adults have abstained from sex while looking at the Ryan Adams schedule, 81 percent while eyeballing the listings for Pretty Boy Floyd and Michelle Shocked and over 97.4 percent while looking at co-headlines, such as the Limp Bizkit / Korn tour or the upcoming Jane’s Addiction / Marilyn Manson run. You can’t argue with numbers like that.
But there’s more to this survey than just sex.
For example, over 63 percent of those surveyed claimed that they did not commit one major criminal act while looking up the dates for Kid Koala and Pink, and of the remaining 37 percent, 27 percent refrained from embezzling from their employers while checking out the Glenn Tilbrook schedule; 85 percent refused to participate in drive-by shootings as they read The Dirtbombs listing and an overwhelming 98.9 percent absolutely refused to rob banks, pass bad checks or steal someone’s identity while signing up for auto-notify for George Strait, Charlie Major and Jimmy Sturr And His Orchestra. Amazed? We don’t blame you.
However, the recent survey only confirms what we’ve believed to be true for a number of years if not more. From our own experience, we’ve come to believe that Pollstar.com users are less likely to commit acts of fraud, insider trading, kidnapping, treason, flashing and jaywalking while they’re looking at tour schedules, regardless if the schedules are just a few dates for a regional act such as the east coast’s Rock Kandy, or the complete listings for international touring bands such as Starsailor, Fleetwood Mac and Jethro Tull.
Like all survey results, the recent stats are only numbers, but why buck a trend? The more time you spend looking at tour dates on Pollstar.com, the less likely you are to commit acts of felonious intent and moral depravity. You no longer need to fear that you will become a threat to society if you spend all your time on our Web site looking at dates for artists such as Mariah Carey and bands like Anthrax, Ill Nino and The Living End. You’ll be building a better tomorrow, a stronger America and a safe and sound world of the future.
Of course, it kind of makes you wonder about the people who aren’t looking at this Web site are doing at this very moment. Hmmm… Perhaps somebody should call the police. After all, it’s better to be safe than sorry.