Presenting a brand new way of looking at tour dates.

For years we’ve studied the problem of bringing concert listings, like the schedules for Cracker and Peter Gabriel, to the ever-shrinking, Internet-illiterate populace. We’ve reduced the number of mouse-clicks needed to look at the L.A. Guns routing; we’ve offered free calendar support for the chronologically-impaired and we’ve even taken the time to hire trained TBA counselors to pacify the anxiety when one’s favorite artist announces a playdate only to list the venue as “To Be Announced.” Yes, up until this day we’ve done everything humanly possible for the concert fans of the world. Now it’s time to take that next step.

Presenting the Concert News Network! Starting today, the exciting, in-you-face concert reporting this Web site has been known for since 1931 is now available via the magic of always-reliable cable television. You’ll thrill to our exclusive tour date coverage featuring a vacant-looking former-supermodel reading the schedules for arena acts such as Shania Twain, George Strait and Metallica while dates and cities for Britney Spears, Deep Purple and Keller Williams crawl across the bottom of the screen. Sound exciting? You better believe it!

But wait, there’s more.

Be sure to tune in tonight at 9:00 p.m. for our holiday extravaganza. From Scott Weiland crashing Santa’s sleigh into the studio audience to Phil Spector giving advice on what to give that 2nd Amendment buff on your list, our holiday special ROCKS! Plus, as an added treat, viewers will have the opportunity to purchase autographed copies of Holiday Pest Control Tips by Robert Blake.

This is the ultimate cable channel! Say goodbye to CNN. Sayonara, Fox News! Hasta La Vista, MSNBC! Say hello to the future – The Concert News Network! Fair and balanced, always on, always wired, listing dates for Dada, Dexter Grove and Huey Lewis & The News every day, every week, every year from now throughout eternity!

Or until the recording industry gets a handle on this whole P2P thing. Frankly, we’re not holding our breath.