“Coming right up. Uh… Sheila? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me, Joe.”

“I thought your voice sounded familiar, but what happened to your face?”

“Plastic surgery. I wanted a new me.”

“It looks as if you’ve succeeded. But why…”

“But why this face? I went to the Celebrity Cutters Institute.”

“I’ve heard about that place. Isn’t that where they change your face to look like any celebrity you want?”

“That’s right, Joe. You should see their catalogue. There were so many faces to choose from. For example, I could have looked like Martina McBride for only $10,000.”

“$10,000? That’s a lot of money.”

“Who cares? My ex-husband is paying for it. It was in the pre-nup.”


“But Martina was only one of the selections. I was also considering the Avril Lavigne look. That was $7,000 plus the skating lessons.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. Then there was the Gloria Estefan look. $12,000. However, that was only available for a limited time. You know, because she’s doing her last tour?”


“Then there was the Ani DiFranco look for $8,500, the Hilary Duff look for $7,500, and the Cher special for $5,000 plus tax.”

“$5,000 to look like Cher? That’s a good deal.”

“That’s just the sticker price. The extended warranty would have cost me a fortune.”

“So you had all these celebrities to pick from?”

“That’s right, Joe. They had thousands from which to choose.”

“Like Madonna?”


P.J. Harvey?”


Margaret Cho?”

“$75 plus some change.”

“Well, I guess they did a good job, but…”

“Lemme guess. You can’t tell which celebrity I chose.”

“Er, yeah. Did they make a mistake?”



“You see, Joe, when they asked me which celebrity I wanted, I told them I wanted to look like Jennifer Lopez. You know, J-Lo?”


“But the doctor was hard-of-hearing.”

“You mean…”

“That’s right, Joe. He thought I said Jay Leno.”

“I thought that chin looked familiar. Want another glass of white wine?”

“No, I should go home. I saw one of the other patients pulling up to the curb when I walked in. He’s a guy who got the David Letterman package, and I should probably leave before it gets ugly.”