I’m a self-made, pull-one-up-by-one’s-own-bootstraps kind of guy. I worked for everything I have and where did it get me? Richer beyond my wildest dreams. And I hate it.

You see, I never have any time to do anything. Hobbies? Forget it. Family? You gotta be kidding. My life is filled with board meetings, hostile takeovers and paying off congressmen. I spend so much time managing my portfolio and making more money that I never get to enjoy the fruits of life, like seeing the Eagles in Baltimore on April 5, or Duran Duran in Houston on February 20. Yeah, being rich ain’t what it used to be.

Then one day I read about the iPod, a little device on which you can store your entire music collection. “Great,” I said. That means I can always have my favorites, like Elton John or Motley Crue, at my fingertips. The iPod was meant for a rich bloke like me. Someone who doesn’t have the time to fiddle with a stereo, adjust the bass or boost the treble.

So I bought one. But I never had time to put any music on it. Every time I wanted to load the iPod with all of my Oasis CDs, or fill it up with my Marilyn Manson collection, I had to take over another company, sue another former customer or buy another senator. Well, you can guess the rest. I kept on making money while my iPod sat in the corner gathering dust.

Then one day I saw an item in the paper advertising personal iPod service. For a fee, this person would load my iPod for me. All I had to do was give him my CDs and he would set me up for hours of iPod fun. Such a deal!

So now I have an iPod chock-full of my favorites. Velvet Revolver, Gregg Allman & Friends, Sugarcult, you name it I have it. I’ve got all my favorite songs by Sound Tribe Sector 9, and every single CD Yanni has ever made. It’s music on the go for a rich man-on-the-go like myself. In fact, the iPod is sooo great, I’m thinking of buying Apple. That is, as long as Steve’s offer is still on the table.

However, there is one, small problem with my iPod.

You see, I still don’t have any time to listen to it. I guess I’m going to have to hire someone to do that for me as well. Sigh… Being rich sucks.