Of course you are. Who isn’t? You spend your hard-earned money on tickets for one of your favorites, like R.E.M. or Sting. You count down the days until concert time. Heck, you even buy clothes for that special night, maybe a cowboy hat for George Strait, or Spandex for Motley Crue. Then, when the long-awaited evening arrives, you leave after that final encore saying to yourself that it was the best show you’ve ever seen. You feel great!
That is, until you read the review in the next morning’s paper.
You know what we’re talking about. You read that review only to find out that the previous night’s concert bit the big one. That the lead guitarist was one fret off of the third note in the fourth verse of the second song, or that the singer failed to project the charm and charisma found in the legendary giants of concerts past, like Freddie Mercury, Janis Joplin or William Hung, and that anyone who enjoyed the show must also like the sounds of feral rabid squirrels running rampant through a children’s day-care center.
It’s time to stop the insanity! Do we really need someone ensconced in his Shaggs bootlegs telling us that our favorite performers suck? Do we really need 10,000 word diatribes meant only to show off the writer’s verbose vocabulary of derogatory synonyms telling us that the extravaganza that took place at the local concert hall had all the artistry and imagination of Donald Trump’s hairstyle? Do we need these journalistic jerks telling us why we shouldn’t like Ashlee Simpson? Of course not.
It is time to take a stand. To rise up against the verbal oppression brought about by the “self-proclaimed” experts of musical punditry. It’s time to stand up against those who regularly slam our favorite bands and artists. It’s time to let our voices be heard, that we really, really like the Eagles, Green Day and Oasis. It’s time to send a message!
And we can think of no better way to send that message than to rise up and give those music critics what they have coming to them, that we’re not going to stand by while they trash Elton John, slander Elvis Costello and verbally eviscerate Gregg Allman along with his friends. We’re fed up and we’re not going to take it anymore!
Of course, critically speaking, not all music critics are low-life bottom feeders possessing the musical intellects of beached oysters. There still are a few honest music critics out there, ones that can intelligently discuss a performance by Cher, or are able to accurately describe the influences of Beethoven, Bach and Chuck Berry in relation to the latest concert by GWAR. Sure, their numbers are few, and their professional critiques of The Hives, Le Tigre and Keith Urban often get lost in the noise and static that makes up the modern media machine in the new millennium. The real trick, of course, is to recognize the good music critics from the hacks that spew venom and bile on a daily basis. However, rest assured we have a sure-fire solution on how to spot the good music critics.
Simply put, the good music critics are the ones that agree with us.